i'm short and i'm loud and i'm trying really hard to be a good person. i use she/her pronouns. Previously: Seventeenstreets
He’s just tired, lethargic from a very long year. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow and it’ll be okay.
I was whining about him backstage when a girl, the new girlfriend of one of my exes, nodded. “S’s the exact same way.”
"At least S has emotions," I laughed. And he did, I can remember idyllic kisses in tents at dawn. I can remember the phone conversations and the "it’s okay"s and how overall smothering I found his sensitivity.
"He never expresses them," she said.
The first thing that jumped to my lips was an apology. I swallowed it but it lingered.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting the boy you love. He once loved me and I broke his heart, just like I did M’s and C’s. I’m sorry for being vulnerable for him and letting him see a carefully groomed view of my rough edges (“I love you anyway. I love you all the more,” he had said. I didn’t tell him, but that was the point of being so markedly fragile) and then leaving him.
Maybe he doesn’t show his emotions now, but he used to and I couldn’t handle that.
I think I changed him a bit. I think I owe her an apology but I don’t know how to say it.
I owe him an apology, too, but instead I flush and look down whenever he’s near.
He told me he loved me and I could never say it back. He was okay with that. Now he’s guarded.
I break the things I touch sometimes, fingers clumsy and palms sweaty.
Fuck, I’m sorry.
I posted this a year and a half ago and I still think about it sometimes
the only three people who like the idea of Charlie and I as a thing are, coincidentally, the only three people who know both of us. It’s astonishing to me how little my friends like Charlie, but they don’t (as cliche as it is to say) know him at all. Beccy, Mikkaela, and Joe do, and the three of them are pretty into the idea of the two of us.
he might be in NY in early August. I’ll be in NY in early August for my cousin’s wedding. we might meet up for a day at the MoMa.
it’s screamingly cliche. Lena once said that my life is like a Taylor Swift song, and she’s not wrong. everything is so big and so deeply felt. grand romances and grander betrayals. never a boring love story, at least.
it probably won’t happen. we’ve been trying to meet up for two years (we’ve been trying to meet up since we said our ‘goodbyes’ at camp, honestly) and something always gets in the way. it’s usually him, he is usually what gets in the way. so I probably won’t see him in a few weeks and I probably shouldn’t see him in a few weeks, anyway.
but maybe we could go to the art museum. maybe we could have our overplayed moment between the white walls, maybe we could hold hands and grab coffee, maybe I could finally get that kiss I’ve spent two years thinking about—
maybe we’re meant to be.
and maybe we’re not.
he told me today that his friends are setting him up with some girl. she sounds terrible (“not your type at all,” I told him. I know his type, hell, I am his type. we’ve played with that enough that he can’t deny it). he agreed that she seems awful, but he’s lonely and she’s there and she’s probably quite pretty (his girls usually are. the one before me was a hollister model).
if this works out, it’s a gorgeous story. I can fly up to see him over fall break, he can fly down for me in the spring. we can make it work. I’m picking up another job, I could find the money for plane tickets. he could find the time for me.
if it doesn’t work out, I’ve wasted two years. I’m literally in the process of this bad idea, I know that he doesn’t believe in fate well enough to conform to what destiny wants him to do. I’m sure we won’t be very much at all in a few years
I’m sure we won’t be, but what if we are?
fur-throttle said: i did the aesthetic generator and got "yaoi core"
But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.
— Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (via conchita-chonchita)
i made an aesthetic generator now you can discover urself
this is fucked up
Burning all of my clothes, replacing them with soap dad aesthetic.Eldritch Femme~~
algae queer. Not sure what it means, but it’s appropriate. Fucus vesiculosus FTW!!!
Plant Grunge was possibly my favorite.
And oddly inspiring.
nothing in my entire life has described me as accurately as this phrase
This legitimately gave me Fairy Femme. I AM SO PLEASED I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU